me me me

*»¢ ℓ ά î я е s t я î p e s. »i fukin hate everyone right now. says:

*»¢ ℓ ά î я е s t я î p e s. »i fukin hate everyone right now. says:

*»¢ ℓ ά î я е s t я î p e s. »i fukin hate everyone right now. says:

*»¢ ℓ ά î я е s t я î p e s. »i fukin hate everyone right now. says:

*»¢ ℓ ά î я е s t я î p e s. »i fukin hate everyone right now. says:

*»¢ ℓ ά î я е s t я î p e s. »i fukin hate everyone right now. says:

*»¢ ℓ ά î я е s t я î p e s. »i fukin hate everyone right now. says:

*»¢ ℓ ά î я е s t я î p e s. »i fukin hate everyone right now. says:

*»¢ ℓ ά î я е s t я î p e s. »i fukin hate everyone right now. says:

*»¢ ℓ ά î я е s t я î p e s. »i fukin hate everyone right now. says:

*»¢ ℓ ά î я е s t я î p e s. »i fukin hate everyone right now. says:

*»¢ ℓ ά î я е s t я î p e s. »i fukin hate everyone right now. says:

*»¢ ℓ ά î я е s t я î p e s. »i fukin hate everyone right now. says:

*»¢ ℓ ά î я е s t я î p e s. »i fukin hate everyone right now. says:

*»¢ ℓ ά î я е s t я î p e s. »i fukin hate everyone right now. says:

*»¢ ℓ ά î я е s t я î p e s. »i fukin hate everyone right now. says:

*»¢ ℓ ά î я е s t я î p e s. »i fukin hate everyone right now. says:

*»¢ ℓ ά î я е s t я î p e s. »i fukin hate everyone right now. says:

*»¢ ℓ ά î я е s t я î p e s. »i fukin hate everyone right now. says:

*»¢ ℓ ά î я е s t я î p e s. »i fukin hate everyone right now. says:

*»¢ ℓ ά î я е s t я î p e s. »i fukin hate everyone right now. says:

*»¢ ℓ ά î я е s t я î p e s. »i fukin hate everyone right now. says:

*»¢ ℓ ά î я е s t я î p e s. »i fukin hate everyone right now. says:

Im so sorry I have stuffed up big times I just feel betrayed I feel like you don’t need me anymore you all seem so much better without me and I’m tearing up inside I suppose. I want the OLD ME BACK but without all the faults I want to laugh with you and be stupid with you can you help me with that I don’t know I can do this on my own I thought I could but I fell apart.
Do you remember Jo when we were walking down the year 9 corridors with that odd looking book we had borrowed for LT and it was then that we noticed that it was about lesbians and we were like on the floor laughing but we controlled ourselves just as we walked into 9.15 and then we gave the book to LT and I was sitting next to her and you were behind us and Wald the Bold picked it up and I was beside myself in laughter then I was sent out till I could control myself.

Or when we were asked to do a stupid fire alarm article and I thought that was boring so Clare came and me Rachel up with the fact of LT burning the school down.

Lauren do you remember when I use to grab your pencils and put them in my sandshoes and snap them and you use to get fired up and I would say whoops I want that back I’m going to try my hardest to get that person back.

Please don’t take it out on me of what I have become trust me I know im fucked up I really do can you accept my apology and can we start fresh can we leave it in the past and make a better future.

I don’t know what to say anymore and can you also realize I say stuff I don’t mean that I say at the heat of the moment when im on the phone I don’t talk like I use to I get bored. I went overboard in my life and since then it ruined me so I don’t want to be that person anymore.

I want you all to come to a concert with me I will get more details but its in December and the band is the hot lies and there pretty good there also young so im sure they will get better but I want to share that with all of you and I hope that you all can come I would love if you could I want to share another green day experience with you I want to laugh and go excentric with you I want everyone to be a part of it I will set it all up if you want I will post more details on this web page when I find out more.

I wrote this on the bus I don’t think it makes much sense but I was so sad I felt like someone was tearing me so I wrote this

She sat their still she was in pain her knees were weak but she continued to smile it was slowly diminishing she was screaming crying but she continued to keep it on the inside know one ever noticed know one gave her time. She was just a stranger she felt alone know one cared they kept talking to her like trash until she couldn’t take it anymore then she walked off know one followed. Her friends were thoughtless there was no more she could do she grabbed the knife ready to die.

People noticed her but it was too late she was gone, never to be seen again.

I wrote that it was a mix of emotions ones where I just wanted to go maybe then people would realize how I feel when u torment me and another way of my life how I sit there pretending its all fine when its not when im screaming and trying to get out. The end bit is explaining though how that was the girls way out and how people noticed her pain when she was gone.

GRrrr im going fuckin insane I cant take much more you spoilt little fucking brats Im so angry at you all at the moment everyone I want everyone to die.

U no its funny how my moods change there getting terrible ahhh anyways

I cried I cried asking you why did you leave me i dont understand whats becoming of me  I have cuts on my stomach were i grabbed the blade and glided  it on my stomach it tickled its more a scratch than a cut i had tears running down my face i cant cut anymore mums sees so im limited in the places i can.

Im angry at leah again its hurting me that i have lost my best friend. I wrote R.I.P Alex on my leg it didnt really come up its just red I want to forget you alex but i can every night whilst i lie in the dark in the silence the memories of you come back but no detail of what you look like i miss you alex i would do anything to see you one last time i need one of your nice long bear hugs i feel sick all the time i think im getting more depressed i try really hard to be happy why am i no.

I freaked all the year 8s out today in art there is like this guy that smiles continuasly and i kept hugging him and the girls i sit with like think im really weird coz i kept laughing and everyone thought i was on drugs again lol. I did a bad thing i erased all my groups work there going to kill me oh well.

Haha im in a weird mood like only 2 ppl are on msn where are u all i feel like a loner i sent u an email today LT and im talking to you amanda and LT on msn hehe.

See im multi talented.

Love Jess

i wish, i wish, i wish, i wish i always wish but it never comes true i feel like i have no one my old St Aloysius friends i dont no act funny around me it really hurts i dont know if they hate me and they are just pretending to like me they say iv changed i know i have i have to live with the new me its not easy i tried to think really positively earlier like last month it was going really well i was trying to get my friends happier as well coz i knew that would help but they didnt they just got frustrated at me.

My mums birthday was yesterday and yet when she came in to kiss me goodnight i felt no compassion towards her all my anger trapped inside is releasing to the ones i love around me in the pub i was really hurting charlie and leah were talking i felt like i wasnt needed in there discussion in there life i felt alone again i couldnt take it anymore my blood was boiling i had cracked i didnt want to talk to anyone and then people kept trying to get me to dance didnt they realise i didnt i snapped at my brother i told him to get fucked.

I told everyone i had a headache i grabbed mums car keys and went to the car i layed there feezing cold weird people were in the car park finally when a creepy old guy kept staring at me i got out the car and went back inside.

Then today i just wanted to light the fucking cake and my step dad basically took over and then was jsut an asshole its like thanks mark. haha maybe its the name marc and mark haha hehe.

But it wasnt all bad i had heaps of fun too i mean last night when i was in a good mood i was like dancing really stupid and i had heaps of fun and my mum had a really good night and today when i fell of the toddler toy in the park i thought that was hilarious my grip is weak and the adults around me laughed at me.

now im sitting at the computer in a blanket and feeling really sick i dont want to eat i dont ever want to eat again thinking about food is making me sick. lol omg i am stupid anyway moving on. i was so angry last night i still am when i talk about what went wrong it releases my anger so i am happy but this is the bad stuff to release my anger its not that my life is shit my life is alright

bye bye love jess hehe

another day im going insane another moment when i my mind races. My heart its beating fast is this normal am i supposed to feel like dying am i supposed to be in this world. We were in rundle mall i saw u with rachel i saw the look u gave me i saw the look she gave me wow it was nasty no need for that. I wanted to leave yet again another situation where my friends left me to be with u. Wow if i said i was lying then i would be lying so either way i cant win. You lost me leah i never want to see your face again the pain in me is unbearable why  dont u ring him again and tell him how nasty i am. I was  crying when i talked to you then all i wanted to do was go home but i  couldnt stand home not then and not now. I walked down rundle mall crying it would have been great then to have someone to hold but no one was there well cheyenne was but i couldnt face her i didnt want her to see me like that i accidentally yelled at her to leave me alone i didnt mean it my head was racing, bad thoughts were becoming of me until i stopped and thought of what had just happened. I calmed down and messaged cheyenne i was in so much pain it was short and simple. Her and I talked again it was good to let it all go but at the same time i wanted to keep it locked up.

Your doing this all to me because of your job your ruining another persons life because of your fucking job thats selfish i thought your job was helping people not fucking them up. I have so much anger inside me im going to run away again run far from here but not yet i dont want to ruin mums life agian it hurt her to much last time its her birthday and i shall respect that.

I got home and mum asked me did i send leah an email apologising for my behaviour towards her but why should i thats when i got back up and walked into my room and shut my door and held back the emotional damage the tears ran down my face just like on the bus home i saw u in the middle of the road with your friends smiling laughing i use to be like that with my friends until you told them all i was a liar.

I wish i could prove you all wrong haha and suck up all your happiness so you would understand how i feel but i wont coz i simply cant.

Im mean but i was only made that coz my life is fucked up yes u are right i am emotionally unstable haha i look at you i was better before i met you u checked my wrists no cuts lol u believed me no cuts watever.

I feel like my walls have fallen i went over the bridge today looked at the torrens the blue sky it was amazing yet where i was felt gloomy and sad. I made mistakes iv made many everyone does iv lied but not about u not about anything that happened. I wanted to jump in front of a car today as i was crossing the road i thought of the feeling as the car hit my knees as my body crumbled under the pressure the pain streaking through me.

I lied then to amanda she asked me how i was i said i was excellent but im not. Leah im sorry im hurting you i have so much anger in me and you said i was a Liar so your getting it i didnt want to have to do this but its the only thing keeping me as one.

for now i will wait and watch and lock myself in my room listening to my music not letting anyone in and hoping that life will change as i sit there waiting.

they said that life should be cherished what the fuck where they on when they said that. im failing at school again but i dont care coz im sick of trying and my home life is depressing and iv lost all the people i cared about i have nothing to live for i use to have at least one thing now i have nothing the blade was in my hand so ready to cut but i didnt i was strong. Going crazy now haha going insane so shit life sucks why did u all hurt me.

dont even get me started about charlie i thought u were my friend but friends dont make me feel like that ur like the rest of them i have no one and thats the way i like coz everyone hurt me haha

JESS